One of my all-time favourite television shows growing up, and to this day is, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
I loved every part of the show. The fashion, the humour, and of course seeing a Black rich family on television. It is my comfort show. No matter how I am feeling that day, I know I can turn on The Fresh Prince and instantly feel better.
Now despite my love for the show, from time to time I would have this “tickle”, at the very back of my throat that made me uncomfortable while watching.
It was as if I felt some form of guilt or shame.
I saw the way that Carlton was treated in comparison to Will. Carlton was the butt of all the jokes. Frankly, he was a joke. No one took him seriously.
Will had the swag, the moves, and the demeanour that everyone loved. He was just an all-around loveable guy that all the women wanted and all the guys wanted to be.
Meanwhile, Carlton was the complete opposite- annoying, stuck-up, nerdy, and just a bit off.
Even though his sisters, Hilary and Ashley, came from the same family and had the same upbringing, it was Carlton that was the black sheep of the family, and he knew it.
Like many others, I always cringed when Carlton was on screen.
Who could blame me?
He was awkward and had the most unbearable superiority complex.
So, to my surprise when I was referred to as the Carlton of my family, by my friends at the time, I was shocked, to say the least.
I mean, I had most of Will’s qualities, or so I thought. But it wasn’t the qualities of Will that I lacked or didn’t possess.
It was the way I came off, my overall presence. For I was told “I was not Black enough”, the same way Carlton was told repeatedly on the show.
How can I not be enough of what I am??
Well, when you grow up in a predominately White area, this is something that you have most likely been told. Which normally follows by being referred to as an Oreo.
Let me break it down for you.
Picture the traditional Oreo. Two chocolate cookies paired together with a creamy vanilla centre.
Now transpose the chocolatey snack onto a Black person that grew up in a very predominantly White area, and you have an Oreo.
Black on the outside and White on the inside.
When you are told that you don’t fit into a group that you so physically belong to - it’s hard to digest. Almost incomprehensible when first heard.
How could a non-Black person say this to me?
How could a Black person say this to me? Someone that has my skin, my hair type, my facial features tell me that I am not enough of what I am?
Admittedly so, this term was what catapulted me into years of self-hate. When you don’t like yourself, you unconsciously start to dislike those that look like you.
I tried to distance myself from other Black people.
Distance myself from the Black people that spoke African-American Vernacular English(AAVE). The Black people that listened only to rap. The Black people that use Nigga occasionally. The Black people who acted Black.
I mean, I was raised by Guyanese immigrants. We have our way of speaking. Of course, there is some cross-over with AAVE slang but it's not the same. I am Guyanese and that's the culture that I relate to the most, not the African American culture that is depicted in Western media.
It came to a point where I would think that I was, in a sense, better than those that acted Black. I envied them because I could not emulate them so, I got a complex.
For you see, I was educated. I was able to articulate my thoughts in a grammatically correct way. I grew up in suburbia with both parents. I had White friends growing up. So, therefore I was better. Right?
It took me a tremendous amount of self-love and acceptance to realize the delusion to my thinking.
And I know this way of thinking is ingrained into the marginalized kids that grow up and are the only person of colour amongst the rest.
To simply put, the Black Experience is not a monolith.
There is no one way that we need to act to be deemed enough in society.
There is no one way that we must act to be respected by others.
There is no one way to be Black.
Even though we can bond over our shared experiences– we are all different and come from different walks of life.
I don’t need to prove myself. I am Black enough because I was born Black.
Plain and simple.
Every marginalized person that adopts Westernized ideas and customs is called out for not being ethnic enough. This way of thinking and categorizing others into boxes is not only unnecessary but detrimental.
We can’t place people within boundaries and then be surprised when they don't fit.
We need to stop stereotyping people and telling them they are not enough because of our ignorant beliefs.
We really have no power to define the cultures of others when we aren't the ones experiencing their life.
So, now watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air – I try not to overthink.
I just enjoy the show in my own comfort and let go of the fear I had when initially watching.
Whether I come off as a Carlton to one person, and a Will to the next, it does not correlate to the kind of person I am and what I have to offer.
So, maybe I am more of a Carlton than I am a Will... -ah, it really doesn't matter.